Forgive Yourself

The subject of condemnation keeps coming up to me. It’s what my last blog centered on, and it’s a subject my pastor has been talking about. Condemnation can come from many areas—parents, friends, the world, etc. But one of the worst areas, and one of the areas I struggle with the most, is self-condemnation.

I remember going to Azusa Now in the spring of 2016—a Christian conference in Los Angeles that focused on unity and revival. It was attended by about 70,000 Christians from around the world.

As I sat under the gray April sky, rain drops quietly cascading onto my head, I remember one of the speakers asking if we had unforgiveness in our hearts. I asked God if there was anything I was holding onto, anyone I needed to forgive. His response shocked me. I’d never thought of forgiving this person. Never even thought anything was wrong between us.

“Forgive yourself,” He said.

By far, my worst critic in life has been me. And I can probably assume it’s the same for you (shocker, we humans are a lot alike). I can tend toward being a perfectionist, and sometimes nothing less than perfection is an acceptable mark.

I can remember being in elementary school and getting 99 percent on a test. But I wasn’t happy. I fumed about the one point I missed that kept me from getting 100, and put myself down for not marking the correct answer.

Now, don’t get me wrong, striving for excellence is great. We should do everything as “unto the Lord.” But we’ll never be perfect, and shouldn’t beat ourselves up when we’re not. I can get caught up in trying to do all these things right for God, trying my best not to make any mistakes. And because I’ve trained myself to respond in harsh criticism, I unknowingly project that same response onto Jesus.

God corrected that thinking one day as I was reading the story of Peter walking on water (Matthew 14:22-33). The story is mostly known for Peter sinking. But in fact, He should be celebrated for stepping out of the boat. No other disciple tried to walk on water. Nobody else dared to do what was thought to be impossible only a few minutes earlier.

Peter boldly got out of the boat and found solid water beneath him (and no, it wasn’t ice). Then, as we know, he got his eyes off of Jesus and began to sink. Yes, a great analogy of always keeping your eyes on Jesus and not letting the storms of life bring you down. But God highlighted something else to me in that story.

“I didn’t push Peter’s head underwater when he started to sink. I immediately stretched out my hand and pulled Him back up.”

If Jesus helped Peter when he faltered, why do I prefer to push my own head underwater? And why do I run from God thinking He’ll do the same?

It kind of sucks to admit that I won’t ever be perfect in and of myself, that I won’t ever clear that bar of perfection. But (slowly) I am learning to have grace with myself, and accept more of God’s grace, which only enhances my ability to give grace.

Maybe you struggle with self-condemnation, too. Maybe you need to lend yourself a helping hand instead of pushing your own head underwater. Today, take a moment and tell yourself sorry for all the lies you’ve told yourself, all the times you’ve called yourself stupid, and all the times you’ve beat yourself up.

Instead, accept God’s outstretched hand of grace, allow Him to pull you back up, dust you off, and be the holy, pure, awesome, creative, successful, loving person He knows you are (and if you don't believe that's how He sees you, crack open a Bible). Celebrate your successes and all you do right. I know I could do that more. And realize that it’s okay to fail, but don’t ever keep yourself down.